I went to the doctor today. I had an ear infection and I guess it was about time to get it checked out. I don’t like going to the doctor, I don’t know many who really do. But what I dread the most is the scale. I knew I was ignoring my weight. I was sticking my head in the sand with the food I was consuming and I didn’t want to face it. But there I was having to face it. And it wasn’t pretty.
I told myself, just don’t look. You don’t have to know. It’s OK, it’s just weight. You are more than just weight. I told myself it doesn’t matter, maybe it isn’t as bad as I think. I reasoned with myself. Just take off your jacket and shoes. Why did I wear jeans? In the 5 minutes I waited for the nurse, the bargaining and rationalization was pretty amazing.
Then I had to step on the scale. Of course I looked, and of course, I was mortified. In an instant reality hit me hard in my chest. How did this happen? I knew it was bad, but not this bad. What am I going to do now? I had a feeling it was bad, but I ignored it. When my boots wouldn’t zip up, I knew. When my regular jeans were just a little too tight, I knew. When my bigger pants didn’t need a belt, I knew. Yet I chose to not know. I didn’t want to do anything about it. The whole thing is too daunting.
The next thing I knew I was trying to calculate… OK if I do this then I can lose this much. Or how much would 50lbs be? Could I do that? If I eat healthy right now could I lose 20lbs by February? What should I change? Should I pay money to someone? Go to the gym that I pay for every month?
As the doctor came in and gave me a prescription for antibiotics for my ear and a steroid for my sinuses something clicked in me. First, was this overall dread of 2017 in general. Too many changes. Too much questioning of my beliefs and what I didn’t have control over. Then, like the Universe knew I needed an answer a thought came to me. In 2017 there is so much you can’t control. But what you can control is you. You can hold yourself accountable for what you eat. You can forgive yourself for decisions you make (or made) and change. You can do things you don’t want to do because they are the right thing to do for your body and mind. For me, it made sense.
So for now I am going to concentrate on two changes that I think I can make with a little effort which will have potentially big rewards.
Log and plan my food
Sounds easy. How many people say this works? Hell, every plan I have ever paid for and been on has you logging your food. It’s not easy though.
Don’t get me wrong, I have been very successful logging food. I love it actually. I like feeling that I can plan it out. I like being held accountable for the calories and quality of food I am eating.
I like it for about 2 weeks, then I either get bored or something happens to throw me off track and I stop.
So this time I am looking at it from a long term perspective. It works to plan your meals and day out, it just works so when something happens, when I feel bored what should I do? I keep doing it. I get on the App I decided to use and do it. If I skip a day, I start the next day. If I get bored, well I make myself. Because writing it down is worth it.
Also, I don’t try and cheat the system. I set my calories really low right now because I like to sit. I just do. Sitting is my favorite thing to do in the world. So when I reach those calories, or if I go over or crave something, I write it down. I can go over it, there is no shame in that. The goal is to be as consistent as possible with food. The more days that I eat less calories, the less likely a high calorie day will affect my weight or progress.
And really, I like to eat good food. I like to go out to dinners and indulge. And I don’t want to feel bad about that.
I hate exercise. I loathe exercise. Remember my favorite thing to do is sit. So clearly exercise goes against my perfect plans. Yet, my body is getting old. My knees and hip sometimes hurt. My feet seem to be really far away when I try and reach them. When I drop something my first thought is, oh no I wonder if anyone will notice if I just left it there? The more I think about it, the more I probably need to figure out how to suck it up and do some exercise.
So I will do one thing a day. That one thing might not be a big deal. It might be 20 squats while brushing my teeth. Or jumping jacks or something. I don’t know. I just want to be able to move every day. Or stretch. Or whatever… I just want to be able to say to myself, you did something today. It is more than sitting, you can do it.
With this plan, I am feeling better about 2017. I hope with every small step I take I can forgive myself a little bit. I can be proud of myself for making a good choice for me and taking control over my life. And most importantly, I look forward to my boots zipping up again.